My first instinct was to retreat.
This is the only space I’m truly granted the choice: we don’t get to retreat from any part of our lives where others count on us; need us. Especially not as moms, as wives. Especially not as women. The keepers.
So when writing got weird and hard and I couldn’t make out my own voice any longer, I wanted to run away for a bit. Take a break. But it turns out that’s not the answer because, old news: I can’t shut up.
Two blogs I’ve started now, so sure of each big vision. So sure I knew where they were going. It was all packaged, complete with a bow. I was so excited, y’all. Wide eyed and grinning, arms stretched out. “Here! I made this.”
The package, though….eventually it just became a box. And it just couldn’t hold all of my stuff any longer, and trying to force it became awkward.
My first blog was going to be about military life…except military life became just life once we were living it. Who knew?
My second, this fella here…well, I thought it was going to be all wonder, all the time. I left my humor and my snark and my frustration behind, and then life got a little more complicated, and those were items I had to add back to the box. The humor to cope, the snark because because, and the frustration…well, the frustration to take the wheel when I’m tired sometimes. There’s plenty of wonder left, too, but it lives with all the rest. They get along just fine, I promise.
Only problem is, the box is getting cramped. I find myself hesitant to write unless I’m just bursting. “Sorry, just this one more thing. We’ll make it fit, but it HAS TO GO IN HERE.”
It’s pushed to its limits. You may or may not see it, but I know. Something’s gotta give.
I suppose like anything else, you learn and you grow and you move forward. Or you quit because ICE SKATING LESSONS ARE COLD AND THE ICE IS HARD AND STOPPING IS HARD AND THE MIGHTY DUCKS LIED TO YOU ABOUT HOW FUN THIS ALL WAS GOING TO BE.
But I don’t want to quit writing. I can do it from soft, warm places. And with coffee. Or tea. Or wine. Try to ice skate with THOSE, see how it turns out for you. Writing for the win.
It’s just that I really want to get it right this time…or right enough for a bit longer, at least.
So. Some changes are coming. I’m trying to make room enough for everything…even the stuff I don’t know about yet, and I’m trying to figure out the best way to go about it.
If you’re still here after all the unexpected turns this blog has taken, thanks. It means a lot. Don’t give up on me yet…maybe one day I’ll write about how I should have stayed in those ice skating lessons and avoided a stretcher ride through Market Square.
You really, really wouldn’t want to miss that.