First off, I just want to say thank you and wow to all the support and love and outreach that the blog has been getting. It’s been overwhelming. There have been questions, as expected and welcomed. I’m happy to chat, to the best of my ability, with anyone who genuinely wants to learn and isn’t just looking to argue.
Sometimes, however, you may not get what you’re looking for. Truth is…I don’t have many answers, and probably as many questions remaining as you have.
A lot of inquiries seem to revolve around the same thing: what’s the verdict here? If you’re asking about pronouns, E’s hair, E’s clothes, or the day that you saw her wearing sparkly pink nail polish like she is today, you are perhaps wanting to know what it all means.
I’ll admit it: I want to know, too. But right now we don’t. We don’t know E’s future. We know what the statistics say is “likely,” but we cannot possibly know for sure how all of this will play out. It could all disappear one day, like it never happened at all. It could stay forever. It could go in so many directions in between.
This can be an uncomfortable place to sit looking on, I know. It can be uncomfortable for me as her mother because man, I want to protect her. I want to be ahead of her on whichever path she ultimately goes down because I want to be blocking for her. But it doesn’t work that way.
Right now our job is to allow her the most room we possibly can within our protective boundaries, see if/when/where she lands, and go from there. We are trying to listen more than we talk, and if you know me…this is not a cake walk.
As humans, it’s our nature to want to put things in their place. Our brains are desperate to do it. Think about how you go to a new place and immediately notice things that feel familiar in some way. We just want things to fit somewhere; to make sense to us. Sometimes we don’t even care WHICH place, as long as they have a definitive place.
And so it goes. One day my head will be certain it knows where things are going with E, and then she throws me. I have to override the head with the heart in these situations. My need to protect and love her unconditionally has to come before my compulsion to know what will be. The truth is, none of us can really know what the future holds for our kids. We are just getting a crash course in that reality.
I’ve given up on sharing every twist and turn with anyone but Branden, honestly, because we’d be pulling everyone in every which direction…or rather, E would.
I guess the protective, defensive part of me also doesn’t want to see relief flash across anyone’s face because she throws out a few “girlier” straws one day and they appear numerous enough to grasp. Aside from the fact that tomorrow all of those could be gone again, I need to know that the people who are here are okay being here no matter what. Sometimes I find myself wishing the ones who won’t be would just let us know. Turned hearts or turned ankles and limps and all of that. Again, ambiguity is hard stuff to sit with.
So, yes. This phase of our lives is a very up in the air one. I wish I had answers just so I could feel as though I was doing my best for her, but I have to accept that right now my best is being okay with no answers.
Right now my best is making room.