When you don’t feel like dancing.

I lost someone.

To call her “dear to me” just isn’t enough. It doesn’t fit. She was woven into the fibers of my being. To be near to her felt inexplicably like home.

And then she was gone…also inexplicably. It was too sudden, too abrupt. It feels unfair. It feels indecent. It feels like the worst kind of theft.

It’s been just a little over two weeks since it happened; since I began learning a lot about myself and the people around me. I have never felt so loved and simultaneously never so let down. Plainly, I have never felt so much, period.

I have also learned that, to my pride’s great disappointment, I’m no Job. I’ve not been angry at God, but I’ve been angry. I’ve not felt peace. I’ve not felt a longing for it, even. I’m restless. I don’t doubt God’s goodness, I know He has His reasons and His time for all things. I just don’t know what to do with the subsequent pain.

The past week, though, I’ve been able to put my hands up. In surrender and praise. Before now I was too tender and raw to move. And even now, my hands are up, and that’s the most I can manage. All I can do is let Him use this in me. It’s the only sense that could possibly come of something that feels wrong and senseless.

We are currently in a weird dance, my Abba and I. The moves and rhythm feel as though they change on me with no warning. My energy is low, my enthusiasm lower. But I’m letting Him lead, and praying it eventually becomes something beautiful.

He is pouring out His love at a time that I have nothing to give; he is holding me up through the steps. I feel His grace when I need to rest, which is often. His patience for my wild, wounded heart right now is abundant, and for that I can truly give thanks.

One thought on “When you don’t feel like dancing.

  1. I just love your authenticity! God meets us when we are stripped of all our coping mechanisms. He uses those moments to show us who we are. I’m reminded of Jesus question to His disciples when they stood raw and confused and He asked if they wanted to walk away with the others. I love Peter’s response, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” When there seems to be no answers He gives us Himself. He pulls us to His heart and holds us as long as we need to grieve. I’m so sorry for your loss and the aching hole it has left and the suddenness that leaves you out of balance and afraid. But I know He will heal the hurt and fill you again! Praying for you, sweet girl!


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