I’ve been having trouble writing lately.
Do you ever do dumb things? Probably not.
I pray things like, “Father, whatever unlovely things are deep down inside of me, bring them to the surface, where they’re looking me in the face and I can work through them. With You.”
Dumb things. So dumb.
I’ve sort of been stopped right in my previously blissful, ignorant tracks.
I’ve been hit in the face with all the unlovely. Kind of like when you accidentally turn the camera on your phone around and you just weren’t expecting all o’ that.
Pride. Envy. Greed. Discontent. More pride. More envy. More greed. Issues on issues. With my heart. With my intentions. With my writing.
When did all of this sneak up? I felt like I had a decent grip on those things. Oh, well, wait. There’s pride again.
I’m not great at getting things the first time. I do a lot of juking with God. “Wow, that is a great lesson. Good thing I have that on lock. But I’m sure someone needs to hear that today! Thanks for looking out for them, Abba! I’m just going to be over here relieved that isn’t me. Aaaaamen.”
All the while, He’s most definitely giving me some holy side eye.
So, here we are. And He is doing a work on me and I know that’s wonderful, but. BUT. It can be painful and cringe-worthy and sometimes (most times) I don’t where to go apart from the step right in front of me. That’s where this sort of spiritual writer’s block has come into play.
One thing I do know, though: I need Him. I didn’t realize how much I was counting on myself and using my faith like a supplement. It just can’t work that way.
So what feels inconvenient and uncomfortable is necessary if I’m going to grow at all. This hasn’t been the most fun season for me spiritually, but I know He can use my mess in some way. He is the originator of turning a mess into something beautiful; he created life out of dust. He created love out of pain. He created redemption out of sin.
I’ll keep working on getting out of His way so He can carry on His work in me to completion. I’ll trust that He knows where this goes next, and why, and that it’s all for His glory. He is good, even when I am not. Maybe especially when I am not.