10 and 2

I’m not even really sure how to talk about the If:Local event I attended this weekend. I am still so overwhelmed and raw and in total awe about the way God moved in that room, and how I am certain He will continue moving. I feel mobilized and excited and scared. I realize what a mimic I will sound like saying this, but for a while now I’ve been praying. Praying for God to “Raise up a holy passion in me”; praying for Him to “break my heart for what breaks His”. However you want to say it, I was praying for a jolt. 

This weekend, I was jolted. And part of me wants to un-jolt. It feels scary and inconvenient and scary and like perhaps I may lose a person or two heading down whatever this path is, and did I mention scary?

Jo Saxton from Session One. So funny and powerful and bold.
Jo Saxton from Session One. So funny and powerful and bold.

The entire event this weekend was threaded with the story of Joshua and Jericho. Before now, it was a story I sort of breezed over while I hummed the little song that even I with my limited childhood exposure to church managed to learn. “…and the walls came a-tum-bul-in’ down!”

Now, though, I see so much of myself in that story. Not in the two bible heroes, mind you; not in Joshua and Caleb, but in the ten. In the ten that, in the face of God’s promises, saw what they were up against, and declared themselves grasshoppers among giants. Who wanted to go back into slavery instead of facing the unknown. And that’s me. I’m scared of what I cannot see. I would rather stay stuck in the mess I know than to step out when I don’t know what’s in front of me. As though my God weren’t bigger. As though He weren’t with me. As though He didn’t love me.

It’s times like this that I need to remember that my feelings don’t always line up with the truth. That’s a hard lesson for me because I’m a person of lots of emotions, but I need to remember. Because I know He loves me. I know He is good, I know that I don’t need to fear whatever He has planned. It may not look like my plan, but it is bound to be a far far far more beautiful, more exciting, more life-giving story than I could ever write for myself.

I want to be a Joshua. I want to be able to laugh at those giants, who are grasshoppers themselves next to my Father and His promises. I want to march, I want to yell for the horns to be blown. I want to plant my feet and watch walls crumble and say that in the face of the unknown, I remembered God, and I went, and I did.So. Y’all pray for me as I pray for you, because I don’t know what these next days, months, or years hold. But I know that if I cling to His promises, it is going to be a wild and wonderful ride.

One more thing: if you can ever in your life make it to an If:Gathering, GO! I cannot even fully process or unpack all the amazing that this event truly was. I hope to get to worship with even more of you next year! It will change your life, I promise.

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